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turbotroll
06 October 2013 @ 12:10 pm
I need to use this in the near future, so I'm storing it here. I LOVE french fries, but I'm all too conscious of the negative health effects. Trans fats, bad carbs and good old fashioned American Grease puddles pooling in your insides. Baked French Fries are apparently entirely okay, from what I've read. Which seems surprising but I guess the starch content isn't quite so bad compared to baked? Unsure -- though I do know from experimenting that french fries are such a mess to make and generally I like just paying $2 to get some instantly. Still...Trying to eat healthy and this recipe above seems rather straighforwards.

In the commentary section someone mentioned an intriguing way to mix seasoning for Sweet Potato fries as well (which actually have a LOWER glycemic index than regular potatoes..huh); take a gander!

"I like to make sweet potato fries that I season with cumin, cinnamon, coriander, chili powder, garlic powder, salt & pepper and some oil from my mister. I roast them at 450 for about 25 minutes. YUM!"

So making these in the near future! I just thought I'd write about something other than mindfulness practice. Earl, how are you? Antsy...Been feeling the China-burn again and getting tired of how complicated things are here. Dare I say I might even beg Gao for my job back at ALWAYS? Someone needs to read their Livejournal and see if they haven't lost their mind for even considering it, but then again, I'm a different man now. Could be interesting times on the near horizon. Well..Things are ALWAYS (hah!) interesting.

Date tomorrow. Yet again. Go with it and stop expecting so much fulfillment. Just dance.
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turbotroll
20 September 2013 @ 07:12 am
When it feels like "where will you turn," stop trying to avoid it. But I will do nothing, I won't interpret, I will just observe what happens. By saying "oh no, this is whats happening," you're adding energy to what is already there, adding more to it because of this reaction.

If you can be quiet even in the most turbulent attack of the mind or emotions and say "look, its okay this can happen. This body is not just for pleasure, let it happen. I will remain neutral." And don't take anything personally. Everything is happening but nothing is happening to me. Just happening.
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turbotroll
18 September 2013 @ 08:02 pm
We are up against seemingly...SEEMINGLY a huge obstacle. This construct is the idea of a progressive "me" as the entity going through life, searching, trying to find a strategy to get to a place of ultimate rest. But all of that movement is happening in the land of relativity.

You are ALREADY THAT in which this play of relativity is taking place -- you are ALREADY THIS. It is not enough that it stays as a belief -- it must really be recognized in the heart, and immediately. The pressure, teh fear of failure, the pressure to succeed, all drops away as totally illusory. You are this, you are this.

The direct path has no distance, only the distance of a thought. Not a path, but a mirror. Showing you what is missed, missing the obvious.

Keep your sense of "I Am" by itself. The natural feel of existence -- try not to let it identify with other thoughts, memory or images.

All thoughts are equal in weightlessness. They require your belief and interest to energize them, otherwise they are nothing.
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turbotroll
17 September 2013 @ 04:22 pm

  • "When I see I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I see I am everything, that is love. My life is a movement between these two."

  • "The search for Reality is the most dangerous of all undertakings, for it destroys the world in which you live."                                             ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

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turbotroll
14 September 2013 @ 11:21 pm
As written from Facebook:

"You sweet, sweet man...Thank you so much for a good time last night. You are a fantastic soul and I was amazed by how well we meshed in interests and so much. I've never felt so much love so fast from a person before -- you're truly amazing Vince.
But I can't do it. I can't be yours. I can't be anyone's. I'm too independent -- I gave myself to you that in a way I've never done before. You havent known me that long, otherwise you'd know I'm far more reserved than that, but this time...I really put myself in the shoes of wanting and needing a lover and companion because I saw a glimpse of something beautiful with you-- but it's not for me. Not really. I did my best and thank you for giving me the chance to try.
Sorry for the worries today but I needed to search my feelings on the matter and this is what I've got. I'd hoped the mask would become a reality but my path is the loner's path. I know it for a fact, now, and not because of anything you did, but because I truly am never really at peace until I'm alone and it feels wonderful. Even more than the company of a great guy who shares many of my likes such as you.
I need a mountain to build a temple on...Or maybe I'll go back to New Zealand and contemplate silence. Dunno -- but building a life with you is something I cannot do. Mine's still too much of a work in progress to share."

I meant every word of it. And now I only hope I can quiet my restless mind with this as much as assuage a wounded heart. I've come, I've seen and I've bought numerous t-shirts and they're all too small. Dear brain:enough with the romance and dating nonsense already and let's embrace being for a change. How about we let go of that up and down lever on my emotions a tad, eh?
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turbotroll
14 September 2013 @ 01:54 pm
How to make money as a writer, I wonder...This journal has been around for awhile. There's some great experiences here...Occasionally its morose but I've been working on some sprucing as of late, even though I've been as introspective as I've ever been. Still -- I'm back onto visions of self-employment.
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turbotroll
08 September 2013 @ 05:52 pm

It can be trying to challenge one's self-boundaries. My introversion is a hard boundary and one that I've come to realize is not a flaw and needs accomodation and planning for. When I'm good to it, it's good to me and sometimes that's easy to forget. Still, in the interest of self-exploration, I do things I really don't want to do, because, well..It's GOOD FOR ME.

I've more or less abandoned online dating. For one, I found over the course of so many years that the attrition rate from "wink" or "heart" to "penpal" to actually meeting to actually meeting a second time goes from probably a thousand in the first category to outright zero in the last. So, so much time wasted. But I HAVE been actively meeting people I'd created penpal connections with, to better understand what I'd been even looking for, and things have been interesting as a result.

Last week, I hosted my friend Adrian, whom I've been writing back and forth with for over a year and a half. He's from Australia and is a fun, very personable fellow with a sensitive spirit and an intriguing world view. My initial response when he asked if he could stop by Austin on his way to Italy (after a week at Burning Man) was YES, YES, A  THOUSAND TIMES YES! Followed by an immediate sense of trepidation as I realized just what I'd agreed to, namely an invasion of my sacred space for days on end. Followed by occasional mental beratement for being inflexible and shunning an interesting opportunity. Rinse and repeat. Worse was having three weeks to oscillate between the two emotions. We finally met last Wednesday and things started off well enough. I was at work during the day, so it's not like we hung out continually -- in fact, we did not have a single full day together since he ended up leaving Saturday, which I was unfortunately relieved for.

He wanted a lover for the next few days. So did I. But unfortunately, I'm far more choosy than most and did not find him overly appealing after the first night, due to various sexual explorations that sent my libido screaming away into a dark cave. And, well, the invasion of my introvert-space. How strange this inner being is. He was my absolute ideal physical type - strong, rugged, dark hair, beautiful eyes and a thoughtful, deep individual yet I was entirely put off by the idea of a lover for a weekend that I'd never see again. He'd give me the puppy dog stare whenever possible and sometimes it would annoy me as my inner voice said "you're never going to see me again; why are you trying so hard?" Even though I've oft fantasized about exactly this situation. Hitting it off with a foreigner and a spicy weekend of passionate sex. And then they take off for a year or so. Who doesn't have that fantasy? What I've really learned is just how phantasmagorical our notions of happiness are. In my life, I've been able to explore just about every notion I thought would bring me happiness on a major or minor scale and every single one has proven entirely temporary or outright wrong. In the permanent sense, not the temporary -- of course a plate of sushi isn't going to send you into unending Nirvana, but the guilt that comes with the bill are the attendant Dukkha and worth noting.

So now its Sunday and I've spent a second day in my cave, musing and feeling absolute bliss for not uttering more than 20 words in the past two days. Wondering what it will take to find a lifestyle where this feeling isn't just a retreat from the norm. Musing over the dates I've been on in the past month and a half. Proud of myself for trying and thinking I don't really need to keep up with it. Finding that trying to live an extroverted ideal and please people is the first problem that I need to overcome. I said I'd call my friend Kyle today to catch up - and go out with my friend Rodney for sushi Monday. Probably going to cancel on both of those, because my introvert juices want to go to the park after work and catch up on my reading, run and maybe take a trial Wing Chun class up North. Anything but talk to people overmuch - my brain literally hurts from socializing so much. Sort of a dull ache behind my eyes that I get by Friday from being a teacher or after extended social contact. Is that weird? Sometimes I wonder.

...Oh you INFJ you...Still, I hate identifying with that label.   

 
 
 
turbotroll
31 August 2013 @ 09:26 am

Incredible what this sensation is. I feel like my mind is imploding in on itself...Or my body, I don't know. I moved through spaciousness to heaviness and then spaciously heavy and present, yet without boundaries. And there was another door, but its too small for questions. I knew that intuitively. I sank deeper into the ocean and found a rock covering another door and when I tried to move into it I found resistance. So I thought "what does this feel like?" "Who am I that feels this way?" And those thoughts were what kept me from squeezing through that door. They are too bulky and they buoyed me back up. I could see the threads of "I" wrapping itself around me, like I was a skinny dipper redressing myself. It feels so strange to be writing right now. So contrary to those feelings.

Incredible. Even moreso that this feeling is ALWAYS here. In that space there are no problems. There's just beingness. Here and now. My God, that feels wonderful.

 
 
 
turbotroll
27 August 2013 @ 07:12 am
"The idea you have of who you are is concerned. The idea you have of who you are is having more ideas about itself and suffering from them, in the presence of that which you are." ~ Mooji
 
 
 
turbotroll
22 August 2013 @ 10:46 pm
I'm...Not astounded, although I should be. This sense of knowing and recognition is not surprised, though mind is. Subtle truths are being made manifest through my inquiries...And sometimes I'm seeing results even when I don't understand. This is...

Mind is not the perceiver. It can't be. When you focus your awareness on a bodily sensation it vanishes. Outward physical sensations stemming from exterior objects do not, but interior ones do as the are solely within the mind-body complex. They are perceived and then interpreted by mind. But when you focus on the perception, a pain in the leg or pang of hunger, it vanishes. If mind is required to perceive then how is it that to try and perceive mind is to make it disappear? Yet there is still perceiving; there is no blankness, just a stilling of mind, just like the leg pain or hunger pang.

Mind tries to be the perceiver, but it usurps its role from Being. Mind is the interpreter and scanner, but should not be the perceiver. It's role is secondary to Being. This must be felt in my very bones.

Tonight was a good night. Met some neighbors and connected with them in a place of Being, rather than Mind. David, Drew and..Er...I feel bad. Despite "being," I've forgotten the name of their female companion. One of the drawbacks of being gay -- handsome men tend to overwhelm my attention foci. Perhaps...Not a complete place of Being, then, but its a start!

I feel it in my belly, this burning at times...It's of Mind as well, though, and so I'm doing my best to stand past it. To "void" Enlightenment. Void the Void. Mooji says it's like "being pregnant with yourself, this yearning." And one should see this burning as a fire, long overdue, burning away everything that should be burned, to make room for the new. How easily my feelings shift from this perspective -- and how exciting from this light! Morose...Depressed...To Buzzing...Excited. Clearly of the mind, not higher being. Void the Void and let things unfold as they will.